Another Day, Another Ostrich Incident
by Red Witch
Summary: Somebody's been dipping into the groovy bears again.


**An ostrich stole the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Or anything else. Just some insanity I had to get out of my tiny little mind.**

 **Another Day, Another Ostrich Incident **

"I can't believe the Krieglins sent us another stupid song," Pam groaned as she sat on the couch in the bullpen.

Lana, Ray, Cyril and Krieger were there as well. "I thought they already made a national anthem?" Ray asked.

"They did," Krieger turned it on. "This is to increase tourism."

"I'll alert my travel agent," Ray groaned.

 _"Shoo be do! Shoo shoo be do!"_ Aldorph and other Krieglins were singing. _"Call upon the Krieglins when you're in distress! Oh oh oh! Helpful as can be Krieglins. Call us and we'll clean up your mess! If you're worried about terrorism. Or if you're just simply bored. Come on down to Kriegtopia to get away from the horde!"_

 _"Do you need a vacation?"_ Aldorph sang. _"Need to get away? Call up our travel agents! Call us now today!"_

 _"Call us now today!"_ The other Krieglins sang.

 _"Count upon the Krieglins when you're in distress!"_ Aldorph and the others sang. _"Helpful cheerful Krieglins, simply signal SOS! If your marriage is on the rocks! Or simply want a change. Call us now and we can arrange…Your vacation now!"_

 _"Kriegtopia! Kriegtopia! Just get away from the stress! Kriegtopia! Kriegtopia when your life is just a mess! OH YES!"_

"Well that was…" Cyril struggled to be diplomatic. "Interesting."

"That was the Sea Pony song from the original My Little Pony cartoon," Ray blinked. "That is **literally** the _exact same song_ only with Krieglins thrown in!"

"How do you know that?" Cyril asked.

"I dated a Brony," Ray admitted.

"Me too!" Pam said cheerfully.

"A _what?"_ Lana asked.

"Don't ask," Ray sighed. "Let's just say it was a weird weekend. Even by my standards."

"You went to the New Jersey convention, didn't you?" Pam asked.

"How did you know?" Ray looked at her.

"I was there too!" Pam snapped. "I saw the whole thing!"

"That was the weirdest uprising I ever saw," Ray groaned. "Especially with all that marshmallow fluff all over the place."

"I was trying to recreate Marshmallow Meadow perfectly!" Krieger snapped. "It's not my fault some idiot turned the heater on too high!"

"Is there actually a place called Marshmallow Meadow?" Pam asked.

"There is in my fanfiction," Krieger shrugged.

"Do I even **want** to know?" Lana sighed.

"No," Ray sighed. "No, you don't…"

Cheryl was heard screaming. "And I don't want to know about **that** either…" Cyril sighed.

"DAMN YOU OSTRICH!" Cheryl stormed in, looking at something that wasn't there. "STOP MOCKING ME!"

"Oh God…" Cyril groaned.

"You know for a large flightless bird you can be pretty damn judgmental!" Cheryl yelled at the imaginary ostrich.

"While Cheryl is just plain mental," Lana sighed.

"Looks like somebody hit the groovy bears extra hard today," Ray groaned.

"Come back ostrich!" Cheryl ran after the imaginary bird. "You need to go back to the zoo! I don't care what your therapist said! You can't make it in Hollywood! YES! Even with the right agent!"

"She hasn't had an ostrich episode since we left New York," Pam remarked.

"Should we **do** something?" Cyril asked. "I really feel that we should do **something.** "

"Another inspiring speech from our leader," Ray said dryly.

CRASH!

"Come on," Pam sighed as she got up. "We'd better grab her before she wrecks the place again."

"And Ms. Archer throws a hissy fit about the damage she makes when she gets back," Ray added. He ran off with Pam, Krieger and Cyril.

"I just **had** to become a spy, didn't I?" Lana groaned to herself. "Should have stayed in graduate school. Got my masters and doctorate. That was the plan. But noooo! I had to be a **spy!"**

CRASH!

"DAMN IT OSTRICH I SAID COME BACK HERE!" Cheryl shouted.

"In hindsight," Lana sighed. "Taking a job from a woman seconds after she pointed a gun in my face was a **bad idea**."

"CHERYL!" Pam shouted. "THERE IS NO OSTRICH THERE! IT'S ALL IN YOUR MIND!"

"THAT'S JUST WHAT IT **WANTS** YOU TO THINK?" Cheryl screamed.

CRASH!

"I HAVE A PLAN!" Cyril shouted. "RAY CUT HER OFF AND GRAB HER!"

Lana went on. "I **know** what the plan was. The plan was to be a spy for a couple of years so I could make enough money to pay for my education. Then go back and get my degrees. What could go _**wrong?**_ HA!"

"COME BACK HERE YOU DAMN OSTRICH!" Cheryl screamed.

"COME BACK HERE YOU DAMN DITZ!" Pam shouted as well.

CRASH! SMASH!

"Just a couple of years," Lana sighed. "And those couple of years turned into five. Then ten. Then fifteen and now…"

"DAMN IT CHERYL!" Ray shouted. "STOP THROWING THINGS!"

"STOP GETTING IN MY WAY!" Cheryl shouted.

THUNK!

"Oww…." Cyril was heard moaning.

"Cyril's down!" Pam shouted. "Damn that girl has a good throwing arm."

"Now I'm **stuck** here," Lana sighed. "And I'm not even a spy anymore. I so should have finished my education."

"OW!" Ray shouted. "CHERYL DAMN IT STOP BITING ME!"

"Because without it," Lana went on. "I spend my days with idiots who talk about cartoons, commit sexual deviancy and see imaginary ostriches."

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl was heard laughing.

"HOW DID YOU LET HER GET AWAY?" Pam shouted.

"BECAUSE SHE WAS **BITING** ME!" Ray shouted.

Lana thought some more. "Although I'm not exactly sure how a doctorate in environmental science would help me in today's job market."

"OKAY OSTRICH!" Cheryl snapped. "NOW YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT! **DIE!** "

CRASH! SMASH! SMASH!

"I guess I could have always gone into teaching and taught at a college course somewhere," Lana mused. "Or work at an environmental law firm as a consultant or something?"

"WHO THE HELL IS THE IDIOT WHO INSTALLED A DAMN AX ON THE WALL?" Ray screamed.

"WHO DO YOU THINK?" Pam shouted. "SLEEPING BEAUTY OVER THERE!"

SMASH!

"WHY?" Ray shouted.

"SOME KIND OF DAMN STUPID ASS FIRE CODE!" Pam snapped. "HOW SHOULD I KNOW?!"

"SHE'S GOING AFTER THE COPY MACHINE!" Krieger snapped.

"KRIEGER GET THE DAMN TRANQUILIZERS!" Ray snapped.

"GOT 'EM!" Krieger shouted.

"I wonder if it's possible to get a master's degree online?" Lana thought aloud. "You can get pretty much everything else online…"

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

"You win this one Mr. Ostrich…" Cheryl said in a funny voice.

"How many credits did I have?" Lana thought to herself. "And are they transferrable? I should look that up."

"Well we needed a new copy machine anyway," Ray said as he carried Cheryl into the room. Cheryl of course had a few tranquilizer darts in her body.

"Won't Cyril **love** that little expense," Pam rolled her eyes as they walked through the office. "Let's tie her up and throw her in the break room.

"Ironically, she already broke quite a few rooms," Ray groaned.

Krieger asked. "Wait what about Cyril?"

"What **about** him?" Pam asked.

"Eh," Krieger shrugged as they went to deposit Cheryl.

"I so should have gotten my doctorate," Lana shook her head as she walked away. "What was I **thinking**?"


End file.
